Knowing you are there for me
And supporting me all the time,
Gives me strength and fortitude,
It makes me feel sublime.
Knowing you are there for me
No matter what each day brings,
Gives comfort and much happiness to me
It makes my Spirit sing.
Knowing you are there for me,
That makes me feel complete,
You play a big part in my life,
You make my life so neat,
Knowing you are there for me,
Gives me a fullness , I feel whole,
Knowing you are there for me
Makes me happy in my Spirit and Soul.
Thursday, July 15, 2004
So Glad We Met
Met one day on the internet
two unfamiliar people faraway
From different parts of the world
a true friend to come my way
Keep in close contact
with e-mail we send
When I need a shoulder
on yours I can depend
Don't know each other personally
but in a way it seems like I do
Because I really enjoy
having a friend like you
two unfamiliar people faraway
From different parts of the world
a true friend to come my way
Keep in close contact
with e-mail we send
When I need a shoulder
on yours I can depend
Don't know each other personally
but in a way it seems like I do
Because I really enjoy
having a friend like you
Loving you
I love to watch you
Each time I set my Eyes on you
To look deep into your eyes.
And touch your inner most soul
To see you in my dreams
Day and Night.
To share in your hopes and dreams
But most of all not forgetting to
always love you.
Each time I set my Eyes on you
To look deep into your eyes.
And touch your inner most soul
To see you in my dreams
Day and Night.
To share in your hopes and dreams
But most of all not forgetting to
always love you.
My Distant Love
Here I exist in an emotional fathom,
for my love is too distant to touch.
A never ending sigh of romanticism,
pining her presence to lovingly clutch.
My loving through a dreamed eye,
thoughts of her sweet flesh of passion.
So far away is my beautiful butterfly,
with frail wings of a fluttering vision.
Beyond a wish is a taste of her kiss,
lips dreamed softer than rose petals.
To love beyond this lexis of bliss,
experienced between our terminals.
for my love is too distant to touch.
A never ending sigh of romanticism,
pining her presence to lovingly clutch.
My loving through a dreamed eye,
thoughts of her sweet flesh of passion.
So far away is my beautiful butterfly,
with frail wings of a fluttering vision.
Beyond a wish is a taste of her kiss,
lips dreamed softer than rose petals.
To love beyond this lexis of bliss,
experienced between our terminals.
MY DEAR FRIEND
To some people, a friend is
practically anyone they know,
to me friendship means a much
closer relationship.
One in which you take time
to really understand each other.
A friend is someone you trust
enough to share a part of
yourself the rest of the world
may never see.
That kind of friendship doesn't
come along everyday.That is why
I am glad you are my friend.
Thank you for being my friend.
practically anyone they know,
to me friendship means a much
closer relationship.
One in which you take time
to really understand each other.
A friend is someone you trust
enough to share a part of
yourself the rest of the world
may never see.
That kind of friendship doesn't
come along everyday.That is why
I am glad you are my friend.
Thank you for being my friend.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
My best Friend
We have always been inseparable,
Well at least since the age of two,
Best friends we stood side by side,
It was always me and you.
We always told each other secrets,
There wasn’t anything we kept from each other,
I loved you more than anything,
You were like my brother.
From kindergarten to 4th grade,
You got teased for hanging out with a girl,
Still you never left me alone,
You put me before the world.
Then I fell in love,
With some guy in my 7th grade class,
And when he broke my heart,
You were there to kick his a$$.
You were always there for me,
Through the thick and thin,
Always you were there,
Being my best friend.
No matter what happened to us,
Or came in our way,
You never left me all alone,
You were there to stay.
You threw me the biggest party,
On my sweet sixteen,
Everyone from school was there,
But you I hadn’t seen.
As I went to open my presents,
I opened your card first,
It said the you loved me more than a friend,
And my tears soon began to burst.
Then out from the corner of the room,
You began to walk my way,
Tears came streaming down my face,
I began to runaway.
I locked myself in my room,
And cried tears to form a sea,
And soon I realized we were more than friends,
That we were meant to be.
I came out of my room,
To find you standing there,
I looked into your eyes,
And realized you really cared.
So soon you became my boyfriend,
And we kissed for moments to last,
And forgot all about just being friends,
Like we were in the past.
Then on my birthday,
You took me for surprise,
As you went down on your knees,
And I looked right in your eyes.
You took my hand so firmly,
As you were about to change your life,
You took a ring from in your pocket,
And said, “Will you be my wife?”
I was so shocked my mind went blank,
I didn’t know what to say,
As I softly spoke words so true,
Tears came as I said, “Okay”
You looked at me and said,
“I have another present waiting for you.”
You opened the curtains only to see,
A BMW painted blue.
We both jumped in,
My brand new car,
And we took off for a ride,
Though we didn’t go far.
Another car started swerving,
And right in a flash,
That car and I,
Had suddenly crashed.
It was a drunk driver,
Who took my soon to be husbands life,
And left me here all alone,
His soon to be wife.
If it wasn’t for them,
He’d still be alive,
Just shows to what happens,
When you drink and drive.
Well at least since the age of two,
Best friends we stood side by side,
It was always me and you.
We always told each other secrets,
There wasn’t anything we kept from each other,
I loved you more than anything,
You were like my brother.
From kindergarten to 4th grade,
You got teased for hanging out with a girl,
Still you never left me alone,
You put me before the world.
Then I fell in love,
With some guy in my 7th grade class,
And when he broke my heart,
You were there to kick his a$$.
You were always there for me,
Through the thick and thin,
Always you were there,
Being my best friend.
No matter what happened to us,
Or came in our way,
You never left me all alone,
You were there to stay.
You threw me the biggest party,
On my sweet sixteen,
Everyone from school was there,
But you I hadn’t seen.
As I went to open my presents,
I opened your card first,
It said the you loved me more than a friend,
And my tears soon began to burst.
Then out from the corner of the room,
You began to walk my way,
Tears came streaming down my face,
I began to runaway.
I locked myself in my room,
And cried tears to form a sea,
And soon I realized we were more than friends,
That we were meant to be.
I came out of my room,
To find you standing there,
I looked into your eyes,
And realized you really cared.
So soon you became my boyfriend,
And we kissed for moments to last,
And forgot all about just being friends,
Like we were in the past.
Then on my birthday,
You took me for surprise,
As you went down on your knees,
And I looked right in your eyes.
You took my hand so firmly,
As you were about to change your life,
You took a ring from in your pocket,
And said, “Will you be my wife?”
I was so shocked my mind went blank,
I didn’t know what to say,
As I softly spoke words so true,
Tears came as I said, “Okay”
You looked at me and said,
“I have another present waiting for you.”
You opened the curtains only to see,
A BMW painted blue.
We both jumped in,
My brand new car,
And we took off for a ride,
Though we didn’t go far.
Another car started swerving,
And right in a flash,
That car and I,
Had suddenly crashed.
It was a drunk driver,
Who took my soon to be husbands life,
And left me here all alone,
His soon to be wife.
If it wasn’t for them,
He’d still be alive,
Just shows to what happens,
When you drink and drive.
Loveless Life
A life without love
is a life without a purpose
like a sun without a ray
or a clown without a circus
There is no reason to live
unless someone lives with you,
Yet there is no reason to die
if no one will miss you
The pain of a love,
That is not returned
Is the pain of a person
Who will forever be burned
To grow and live
to an age so old
Is pointless without
a hand to hold
As your mind withers
You may suffer with me
I will be for you
Whatever you want me to be
I will be your love
Your hand to hold
I will keep you warm
In the blistering cold
By me you
Will never be burned
For if you love me
Your love is more than returned
is a life without a purpose
like a sun without a ray
or a clown without a circus
There is no reason to live
unless someone lives with you,
Yet there is no reason to die
if no one will miss you
The pain of a love,
That is not returned
Is the pain of a person
Who will forever be burned
To grow and live
to an age so old
Is pointless without
a hand to hold
As your mind withers
You may suffer with me
I will be for you
Whatever you want me to be
I will be your love
Your hand to hold
I will keep you warm
In the blistering cold
By me you
Will never be burned
For if you love me
Your love is more than returned
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Same as me
Your sorry
And feel the same as me
But when I get cut I bleed
You don't understand the pain you've caused
Times I didn't think I could stop being that bump on a log
I pray what you say is true
I can’t stand thinking again being blue
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired
Trying to figure you out
But I am scared and certain you’re just a liar
Constantly running in circles
Like a dog chasing its take would be
Stop not believing
If you want the same as me
You should accept and let what's there be
Stop running, don’t hide
Those aren't the rules to abide
And feel the same as me
But when I get cut I bleed
You don't understand the pain you've caused
Times I didn't think I could stop being that bump on a log
I pray what you say is true
I can’t stand thinking again being blue
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired
Trying to figure you out
But I am scared and certain you’re just a liar
Constantly running in circles
Like a dog chasing its take would be
Stop not believing
If you want the same as me
You should accept and let what's there be
Stop running, don’t hide
Those aren't the rules to abide
Where is the "BC"
THERE was a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and
elegant, especially in language. She and he husband were planning a
week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a campground and asked for
a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped,
but didn't know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just
could not bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.
After much deliberation, she finally came up with the term
"bathroom commode". But after writing that down, she still thought
she was being too forward, so she rewrote the entire letter and
referred to the "bathroom commode" merely as the "BC". "Does the
campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the gampground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when
he got the letter, he just couldn't figure what the woman was
talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. He showed
the letter to several couples, but they couldn't imagine what the
lady meant either. So the campground owner finally came to the
conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of
the nearest Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
DEAR MADAM,
I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the
pleasure of informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of
the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays
and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in
the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know
that many people take their lunch along and make a day of it.
They usually arrive early and stay late.
My daughter met her husband in the BC. Sometimes it is so crowded
there are five to a seat. It may interest you to know that right now
there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are
going to hold it in the basement of the BC. It pains me very much not
to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not due to a lack
of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort,
particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come to our campground,
perhaps I could go with you the first time you go and sit with you
and introduce you to all the other folks. We will be sure to get
a seat up front where you can be seen by everyone. Remember, we are
a friendly community.
Sincerely, the Campground Owner.
elegant, especially in language. She and he husband were planning a
week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a campground and asked for
a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped,
but didn't know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just
could not bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.
After much deliberation, she finally came up with the term
"bathroom commode". But after writing that down, she still thought
she was being too forward, so she rewrote the entire letter and
referred to the "bathroom commode" merely as the "BC". "Does the
campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the gampground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when
he got the letter, he just couldn't figure what the woman was
talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. He showed
the letter to several couples, but they couldn't imagine what the
lady meant either. So the campground owner finally came to the
conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of
the nearest Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
DEAR MADAM,
I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the
pleasure of informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of
the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays
and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in
the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know
that many people take their lunch along and make a day of it.
They usually arrive early and stay late.
My daughter met her husband in the BC. Sometimes it is so crowded
there are five to a seat. It may interest you to know that right now
there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are
going to hold it in the basement of the BC. It pains me very much not
to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not due to a lack
of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort,
particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come to our campground,
perhaps I could go with you the first time you go and sit with you
and introduce you to all the other folks. We will be sure to get
a seat up front where you can be seen by everyone. Remember, we are
a friendly community.
Sincerely, the Campground Owner.
A school Master
A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in Bombay.
He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school,
was asked to address the assembly on the Independence Day.
Here's his dynamite speech :
Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech.
If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking,
I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason.
Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leaders like Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.
You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college.
The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.
I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you!
Thank you and thank God I am finished. Joy Hind!"
**********************************************************
He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school,
was asked to address the assembly on the Independence Day.
Here's his dynamite speech :
Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech.
If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking,
I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason.
Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leaders like Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.
You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college.
The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.
I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you!
Thank you and thank God I am finished. Joy Hind!"
**********************************************************
Happy Birthday
I'm sending you some wishes
On this your special day
I hope that lots of good things
This day will come your way
I wish you special happiness
That will last the whole year through
And you will find some pleasure
In all the things you do
No matter what the season
Or what may come your way
I want for you birthday wishes
On this your special day
So blow out all your candles
And open your presents too
Since this is your special day
Good thoughts will be with you
I pray your day is happy
And sun comes shining through
So on this day, I come your way
To say Happy Birthday Just to you
Birthday Wishes For everyone
©By Mary
On this your special day
I hope that lots of good things
This day will come your way
I wish you special happiness
That will last the whole year through
And you will find some pleasure
In all the things you do
No matter what the season
Or what may come your way
I want for you birthday wishes
On this your special day
So blow out all your candles
And open your presents too
Since this is your special day
Good thoughts will be with you
I pray your day is happy
And sun comes shining through
So on this day, I come your way
To say Happy Birthday Just to you
Birthday Wishes For everyone
©By Mary
When You Were Gone
My friend you were gone so long
I thought you'd never return
I was missing your sweet song
For your presence I did yearn
Being with you makes time fly
I forget my every care
Though I dread the next "Good-bye"
I cherish the time we share
I'm joyful when you are here
My songs reflect it well
My heart races when you're near
Wondering if you can tell
So often we've stayed up late
Laughing and singing into the night
Hours and Hours for you I'd wait
In your company I delight
I value the friendship that has grown
I hope you know it's true
When you are gone I'm so alone
I ache from missing you
Don't say it's time for you to leave
Please won't you stay with me
In your absence I will grieve
Until together we can be
I thought you'd never return
I was missing your sweet song
For your presence I did yearn
Being with you makes time fly
I forget my every care
Though I dread the next "Good-bye"
I cherish the time we share
I'm joyful when you are here
My songs reflect it well
My heart races when you're near
Wondering if you can tell
So often we've stayed up late
Laughing and singing into the night
Hours and Hours for you I'd wait
In your company I delight
I value the friendship that has grown
I hope you know it's true
When you are gone I'm so alone
I ache from missing you
Don't say it's time for you to leave
Please won't you stay with me
In your absence I will grieve
Until together we can be
Praise the Lord
A farmer is driving down the road and spots a sign that reads " Mule For Sale " he decides to at least look at the mule to see if it is of good quality. He talks to the owner which tells him that the mule is the faster mule alive, and that it is very different from other mules. The owner explains to the farmer that the mule will only proceed to walk when the phrase... " Praise The LORD " is spoken and the more you say it the faster he will go, to stop the mule, the owner explains you gotta say "Hallelujah". The farmer decides to ride the mule to see if the owner is telling the truth. he gets on the mule and screams out ... "Praise the LORD!" the mule takes off the farmer then Yells "Hallelujah!" To which the mule stops. The farmer, seeing that he is a pretty good distance from the owner, decides to see just how fast the mule will go, so he Yells out " Praise The LORD" and the mule takes off he repeats the phrase over and over until he is really moving it along. The farmer looks up and sees he is coming up on a Very high cliff that drops off to a deep canyon below, and decides he had better stop the mule, when he realized he forgotten what the word was to stop the mule..hoping to hit the right word, he starts rambling and spouting out words... "AMEN!" ... "GLORY!".... "SWEET JESUS!" ... "AMAZING GRACE!" .... He sees he's getting closer and closer to the cliff when right at the edge of the cliff he yells ... "HALLELUJAH!!!" To which the mule stops dead in his tracks. The farmer, out of breath and shaking from the fright wipes the sweat from his brow looks up to heaven and says .... "Whew! Praise the LORD!"
I'll be Here
When you are feeling down
or when you are in a bind...
I'll be right beside you
Comfort you will find.
If you need an ear to listen,
or a loving helpful hand...
I'll be right here for you,
I truly understand.
I'LL BE HERE FOR YOU!
or when you are in a bind...
I'll be right beside you
Comfort you will find.
If you need an ear to listen,
or a loving helpful hand...
I'll be right here for you,
I truly understand.
I'LL BE HERE FOR YOU!
Monday, July 12, 2004
New Rules For Employment
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
The Management
Stumpy Legged Pink Dog
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”
The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”
The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”
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